Daria’s 10 rules for employment courses

1. There must always be a minimum of one unemployed actor in your course. If your course does not have an unemployed actor in it, consider hiring one for free as part of your “work experience” program.

2. You should always make sure the course objectives are obvious to an extent that no single junior jobhunter is at risk of being confused. Oversimplification is not the enemy here, it has never confused a single soul, ever.

3. Completing dumb simplistic tasks helps boost confidence, so make sure to reserve at least 15 minutes for a thorough discussion of “what are your positive qualities” among total strangers. Other possible examples include “my achievements in life” and “write a goal-oriented to do list”.

4. There are no dumb questions, meaning there are also no dumb answers. Every question, (for instance: how to start a cover letter) therefore deserves a thorough discussion rather than a referral to one of 6 billion internet websites.

5. Dealing with any emotional aspect of job hunting can be avoided by referring to the “outside-in model”, more commonly known as “keep calm and carry on. And please get out of my fucking face.”

6. Use your own experience as inspiration for job seekers, such as “I haven’t written a CV in years” when explaining why it’s hard for you to give specific details about different ways of CV writing.

7. Help junior jobhunters maintain a positive attitude by explaining how billions of years of evolution have helped hone our brains to anticipate attack, meaning negative thought spirals are really a natural occurrence.

8. When people claim not to have any access to a computer for CV writing whilst their iPhone is vibrating on the table in front of them, please do bear in mind that it is a phone, not, in fact, a computer. Say it with me now: we have computers available in the back of the room that might electrocute you.

9. Your examples do not need to be current, as long as the phrase “a few years ago” can still be used with marginal conviction, there is no need to update the materials at all.

10. Encourage junior jobhunters with examples of positive outcomes and opportunities available to them, such as urban beekeeping.

good luck everyone I’m going to bed now. goodnight.