notes re: #NoahMovie
Scripture writer 1: So, in our little Noah story, should we include a specific note about this being a mixed race family?
Scripture writer 2: Nah, that’s way too obvious. No one who reads this could possibly think all these people are white. The kids go on to three different corners around the earth to start new civilizations for Chrissake. I mean- we don’t want them to think we’re patronizing assholes.
Scripture writer 1: Yeah, you’re probably right. Okay- we’ve got 3 paragraphs with highlights on dimensions and what wood to use… I think we’re done. On to Sodom and Gomorrah!
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Darren Aronofsky: Ari?
Ari Handel: Yes?
DA: I do wonder if there is any way I can give the Noah character a bit more depth. You know, talk about his motivations for building the ark a little. Make him a bit more flawed and three-dimensional. Expose some contradiction in his character.
AH: Yes, now that you mention it, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to shake things up a little there. What did you have in mind?
DA: Well, I thought an interesting concept would be to have this biblical character, who is known for saving mankind from extinction, change his mind about his mission mid-way through. Introduce some more drama and tension in the story. Like, what if- what if, he decides to destroy the very thing he is trying to save? He could start getting confused by his militant veganism, decide mankind is evil and try to keep his children from procreating. Maybe he even tries to kill some babies? I think that would really highlight his commitment to the cause.
AH: You mean, Noah stops listening to God and starts playing God.
DA: Yeah, exactly! That’s the paradox!
AH: I suppose inserting a tiny bit of creativity into that boring Old Testament couldn’t hurt. Right, so Noah doesn’t build the ark? I think people might want to see Noah build the ark. The expectation of a big-ish boat is sort of there.
DA: No, of course he builds the ark, because the animals do need to survive.
AH: Ah, ok so just him and his family don’t get to go on the ark then- a bit of a plot twist. I mean, it’s certainly original, and it would give for a surprise ending…
DA: No they do go on the ark.
AH: Uhm why.
DA: Because! Jesus Ari, stop being such a goddamn downer! Stop overcomplicating everything!
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GQ: So God, good to have you here. Let’s just start off by discussing what you think about how your will was obeyed throughout the movie?
God: Yeah so in the Old Testament, apparently, I decided for a while that eating meat was a sin. It was kind of like, my foraging phase, I suppose. I think I was, on some level, rebelling against my own creation. Although I don’t remember really saying it as such, it makes total sense to me that I did. I mean- all of this happened a very long time ago, who really knows who said what, anyway. The important thing here is the part where I decided meat is sin for no reason, and I think a 2-hour movie is the only right way to really explore this issue in depth.
Because you see, when you start to really think about it, it really is a lot more pure to forage because animals that kill other animals are sinful too. That’s your first clue right there- only grass eaters on the ark. Oh wait no, what I meant to say was that animals that kill other animals are cool, because they lack reason and are subject to their instincts. But humans have reason and therefore should be above their urges. And the animals, they know this, and they don’t kill the humans. In other words, in ancient times, the whole human/animal dynamic was really unfavorably skewed towards the humans. No wait, hold on, I’m not sure if that’s how it worked either…
Anyway, I’m a bit hazy on the details but that’s not important- what you should remember is that meat = murder. If you take anything away from this movie, it’s that meat eaters deserve to drown and die horrible deaths. So to be safe, just be vegan, don’t live in cities and forage in woods. As long as that’s perfectly clear, I am going to say; mission accomplished?
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Edit: I do always like it when people agree with me.
