You’re horrible at dating. Here’s why.
Time for some tough love for your love life!
Remember: I just want you to be happy.
1. You set the bar too high.
// Just because you manage to do the impossible and go to the gym 5 times a week, get promoted 7 times a year and still manage to have a vibrant social life, doesn’t mean you should have any demands regarding the men you date. I mean; this patriarchy thing isn’t a give and take.
2. You only date assholes and losers.
// Sorry sweetie, I know you think because you’re a nice person these types of people actively seek you out and decide to manipulate you, but this one’s all on you. You picked them right? I mean- you should have known he was going to sleep with your best friend, you chose this situation for yourself. Seriously, why do you continue to make such horrible decisions for yourself??????
3. You are too needy.
// Not sexy. Needs are not part of the Feminine Mystique package.* Or the desired human experience.
4. You want to date someone who wants a family one day.
// Men don’t like children. This is why they invented work. Haven’t you been watching Mad Men? Third date- are you mad?!?!?! Don’t talk about this until your wedding night- you don’t want to risk scaring him away.
5. You don’t want children.
// You’re not a woman. You’re undeserving of those ovaries. Go away.
6. You don’t know what men want.
// This should be clear by now.
7. You don’t know what you want.
// Okay, so you have your life all figured out, everything is going according to plan and you have created a perfect space in your life for your future partner, knowing exactly what you would need for them to be like to have a perfect relationship. Oh. You’re not sure? Then maybe you should pause your pursuit of romance and get some therapy to sort out that little head of yours.
8. Your career has eroded your feminine characteristics.
// Be careful not to let go of those nurturing qualities the patriarchy has been ascribing to you for the last 2000+ years! If your job gets to be too fun you may turn into the type of freak your girlfriends abhor! You will lose all your friends and your family will turn their back on you! SMILE WHEN YOU HOLD THAT BABY! NEVER SAY NO TO HOLDING THE BABY!
9. You’re not confident in your sexuality.
// This is what Victoria’s secret is for. If the models make you feel bad about not having the perfect breasts, don’t worry: you can always get the same ones. You’re just one google search away- see? There’s lots of good surgeons in your area! Oh, and get some toys while you’re at it, for when you come home from another fruitless date. Seriously, capitalism *so* has your back here.
10. You’re too busy to date.
// Stop making up excuses for yourself. In this meritocracy, the people who put in the work reap the rewards. So don’t come crying to me when, inevitably, you’re 35, single and miserable as CEO of your own fortune 500 company. That effort should have gone into dating and you know that just as well as I do.
11. You’re an alpha woman.
// Some moderate success is tolerable, just as long as it’s not too much dearest. Your success will repulse men because it threatens their masculinity. Don’t be greedy and have too much of it now, think of it as a chocolate cake. Just have a small slice and learn to believe that’s really all you need.
12. You’re a slut.
// Yeah, you know who you are. A sexy, naked dress on the first date. Drinking in the naked dress. Making crass remarks and jokes. Kissing men you’ve only known for a few hours. Sex before the 12th date. When you’re giving it away so easily, how do you genuinely expect any man to still be interested in a serious relationship with you?
* Feminine mystique package orders are limited to 1 per customer