It’s just really really complicated
C: So I have this dating listicle that I want to write, but it isn’t really working.
A: Right.
C: It’s a good enough pitch, I’m just not making it work.
A: Okay.
C: I mean- I honestly don’t think I can write about dating. I’m not exactly an expert.
A: I see you point here, because everyone who writes about dating is an expert. In fact, being an expert is the only way you can date these days. That’s why there are all these diplomas and certificates people are getting. I hear the 12-week course alone is a total nightmare- and then you’re only halfway done. Everyone always says how hard it is and my quick browse of the last three expertly written dating listicles on HuffPo alone demonstrates exactly how unqualified you are.
C: Shut up.
A: Even if we forget about the lacking qualifications aspect, you’re obviously hugely inexperienced. You’ve barely ever dated in your life, ever. You don’t even have any bad dating stories for inspiration. Or written about those before. Ever. So I agree you probably shouldn’t try to relate to people who are interested in being with other people in a sexual and/or romantic way.
C: I think the words shut up bear repeating now.
A: Bears have nothing to do with dating, lady. Didn’t we date also, like a million years ago?
C: I only remember ever dating hot guys really, not you at all. Sorry. So if you’re done being the funny one now, would you mind?
Ken Doll by Zipsy via Flickr creative commons
A: Yes, sure, I think we’ve set the tone here.
C: Excellent. So my point isn’t that I don’t think I can write about dating, my point is that I’m not so sure that I should. Aren’t there plenty of people out there already banking on other people’s insecurities so they can tell them what to do without knowing what they’re talking about? I don’t want to be all like, cis/white/heteronormative/female who knows best just because when I was dating I happened to fall in love or something. Plus, I don’t want to make it too tailored to dating men and offend or exclude people who are gay.
A: What do you know about dating women? Because I need to hear all that you know about dating women.
C: … you want to date other women? Was it something I said..? Fine okay, I get it, *write what you know*. Jesus, could your advice be more boring?
A: No, it’s Alex. And don’t Chandler me.
C: I will do whatever I damn well please.
A: Then write about dating. Just write about dating men. I’m sure there are many awesome lesbian writers out there who have the dating women part covered. Don’t be a dick and pretend you know how to be a lesbian just to avoid offending your readers.
C: Which is mainly you anyway.
A: And I’m well-aware of your non-existent lesbian tendencies so there is no fooling me anyway.
C: You’re just acting disappointed on the outside.
A: I can’t deny it works out well for me that you’re not gay.
C: So what do I have to offer in terms of dating-wisdom then? Why on earth should people take my advice?
A: I don’t know. But you know, people choose to read this stuff, it’s not like you’re making them. Plus, your bullshit-detector can be useful if you’ve had enough caffeine to get it to function.
C: So what you’re telling me is to drink lots of coffee and tell people to be real and stop trying to fool themselves?
A: Nah, I think you should write about the zombie apocalypse. Just goes to show there’s no pleasing everyone.
Zombified by Scabeater via Flickr creative commons